3-22-23 wednesday 12:57 am
kessoku band - guitar loneliness and blue planet
website start! today i finished my first anime since like ... last summer i think ? it was bocchi the rock :3 song is from the anime i enjoyed it a lot ! nice low-stress anime for a kinda stressful day. well not really stressful, kinda just ... sad.
i had a really bad asthma attack last night and it kept me up even later than it is currently. dad let me sleep in. i kinda wish he didn't though, i missed school, which means i missed a bunch of important info and assignments. actually, most of my friends weren't there either. apparently it was only pajamas and cloud. i miss my friends too... being home is really boring and lonely. i hope i can see them outside of school again soon.
i'm tired. but also not simultaneously. i really shouldn't be awake right now. but, ah , the inspiration to make this site just came to me ! it'd be rude to ignore itttt ...


3-22-23 wednesday 6:05 pm
the world ends with you - twister
today wasn't too bad. i honestly just feel bored and stuck. i want to ask my friends to hang out outside of school but i'm scared to. i know it's irrational i mean they probbabyly want to hang out too but i'm too awkward to bring it up. also last time i offered to go to gato's house but i ended up not because i felt completly drained by the end of the school day. i still feel bad about that.
i wish we all lived literally anywhere but here. bumfuck middle of the woods. literally no places to walk to except my parents work, which is the only reason we moved here. though i guess i kinda prefer this over our old house, it was practically in ruins and being overtaken by ants by the time we hauled ass. the only thing tying me to that place now is sentimental value.
i miss being able to walk to the gas station and stuff, but i had no friends back then either. it took me a while to realize how truly isolated i was up until last september. i had online friends, but does that even count if they all drifted apart after a year? if our conversations usually amounted to sending shitposts back and forth?
maybe it is better like this. i don't miss the loneliness.
i'm considering saving up for a new laptop ! i've been working with a tablet chromebook for the past like. 2 years. i'm grateful to even have this because if i didn't, i wouldn't even have a neocities. HOWEVER it is incredibly limiting. i can't download anything that's not on the playstore. also a bbit nitpicky but theres basically no desktop customization possible and thats laaameeee. here's the thing: i gotta get a job for this. and i'm terrified to go to my guidance counselor or any adults from school who can actually help. GAAAAH it should be simple. maybe i'll go to my learning center teacher since he's supposed to help with future plans and all that jazz.
i hope dad can have a vacation or break soon. it feels like every other week the people supposedly in charge get to run away and do fuck all but it seems like my dad is on the verge of snapping under the stress of all the work they make him do. it hurts to watch knowing i can't do a damn thing about it. i hate his boss.
mom, dad, and octane all work at this job full of higher-ups who don't recognize the shit they do. primarily with mom and dad. mom hasn't been in work in a while since she got an injury, but i don't doubt that once she's fully recovered they won't hesitate to pile every filthy sheet of paper on top of her because she's the only person taking care of any of that. dad has to juggle so many parts of the business all at once because the higher-ups just DIDN"T FEEL LIKE DOING THEIR FUCKING JOBS THAT DAY I GUESS. it makes me sick how they treat them. i wish they could quit but this stupid business is the only thing keeping us with a roof above our heads at the moment.


3-23-23 thursday 10:29 pm
kagamine len - dream eating monochrome baku
GYAAAH i hate having this body im so mad. im gonna have sex with my girl friend so i wont be so mad. (except im strictly mlm and i dont fuck ) anyways RAAAAHHHH it's just inconvienent really. like wow rude. can you NOT !!!!!
aside from that unfortunate worldly dysfunction today was actually pretty good. i was allowed to do nothing gym class due to that little mishap even though honestly wouldv'e rather just did the class instead of AUUUUGHHHH. i went to gato, cloud, and pajama's school club today. me and phoenix were just tagging along since we're not actually signed up for the club. there wasn't much to do because the middle schooler they mentor for the club went home early, but it was still fun. they told me she tells them the most batshit insane traumatic shit in her life but all in a n incredibly monotone voice. it's unfortunate i didnt get to meet her but maybe i'll tag along again if it's allowed :-)
the club leader prompted us to make something for earth day.mind you it is MARCH but its ok it was funny. pajamas drew the earth exploding and i drew paarapa on the moon with an american flag. murica babey
my dad couldn't pick me up from school and there WERE late buses bbut like. i don't wanna figure that out i'm too lazy. so i went to pajamas' house on incredibly short notice and then octane pi.cked me up from there a half hour later. probably could've went way smoother than that but itss ok it worked out i think
i finished my tiny parappa figure :-) well i still need to seal hsi paint but well it's done enough for me. he was fun to make ^_^ here this image describes how ive been feeling the past week i think



3-24-23 friday 9:19 pm
mitski - remember my name
ok so i have 2 teachers in my history class. one is a gen x (mr gladiator 2000) the other is a millenial (ms italian gucci store) and they're both trying their absolute best to teach a bunch of 14 year olds. and today my classmates were talking about rizz and mr gladiator 2000 asked "what does rizzed up mean" because of course he was confused. they thought ms italian gucci store would know since shes younger but she clearly wanted absolutely no part inthis and id ont blame her. and so they tried to explain it for a few minutes then moved on. totally cool normal right. WRONG later somehow jennifer aniston was brought up and mr gladiator thought it was a totally good idea to say "id rizz her up" my reaction to that information
lately i've been thinking about the fact that slang like that and other things like "based" "scrimblo" or "cringe" will be seen as old people language 50 years or maybe LESS from now. and when i think of it like that i honestly don't blame old people for sticking to what they're used to. i already don't really enjoy following what's trendy so there's no way my old ass is going to use gen ALPHA slang in my personal vocabulary :skullemoji:

sorry to do a complete 180 but i don't feel human lately. or ever. i guess sometimes its fun to be in a human body but it still doesn't ever feel correct to me. i don't think my soul was meant for a mortal vessel in general. it feels like i'm constantly trying to twist my persona into the vague shape of an adolescent human and act the way other people my age act. its painful but its pretty much compulsive at this point because what else am i supposed to do? act fully like how i am and either get bullied or ignored like before?
it's frustrating because i love some of the things that make me human, but hate the other things. i love being able to laugh and connect to others but i hate the bodily functions and worldly desires and urges. i think this is why i dissociate randomly too. part of me has become human, both naturally and by force, but there's still part of me that never will be. it makes it feel like i'll never be whole. there is no true "personality" for me. there is no "me" at all.


3-26-23 sunday 2:06 pm
graham kartna - browser history
ah, stink bugs are starting to appear, it's raining, the skies are blue but the trees have no leaves, it must be spring! sorry, don't mean to sound like a lame pessimist, that's just the vibe at the moment (^_^") i spent 3-4 hours with my dad while he drove around dogs for work yesterday. one family didn't answer their door and another had their info put in completely wrong :skull emoji: it was still entertaining though! since we didn't have to actually pick up the wrong info dog we went to get groceries afterward. gyaah i'm already so tired of what my body is doig rn and i still have like 4 days until itss over. it hurts like a buttcheek on a stick bro
i bought splatoon 3 today ! i suck real bad at it but it's pretty fun :3 the single player looks really cool and i'm excited


3-28-23 tuesday 12:07 am
bôa - fool
this month keeps getting worse and worse. this YEAR keeps getting worse and worse. my uncle died today. i can't even start to write down how i feel about it. i'm too tired and i'm still trying to process it. i should probably sleep on it but i wanted to write this first.
my grades are slipping. it feels like the world is always moving just slightly too fast for me and i'm playing a game of catch-up while every single bad thing that could happen is tossed at me. it's almost fucking comical